Crucial Conversations, by Grenny, Patterson, et al.

My detailed notes on arguably the best available (and most immediately useful) guide to handling the conversations which matter most.

Apr 18, 2023

📣 ANNOUNCEMENT: The wonderful Julia Levy (Editor of The Switchboard) and I will be hosting a free live book talk to engage with the fascinating perspectives of this book, especially as it relates to business communication. Come join us on Wednesday, May 31st! Sign up here.

One common theme of a lot of business and management books is the need for fierce honesty about reality. But whether discussing the merits of a particular strategy, collecting information about what’s actually happening on the ground, or figuring out why it’s not working as we expected … these conversations are still done by real people who have real quirks and flaws.

These important conversations, while capable of unveiling reality, often get derailed by heated emotions, toxic (and usually unintended) motivations, lack of true participation, and unclear resolutions.

Enter Crucial Conversations.

This is not an abstract book full of concepts that are hard to apply in your real life. If you read this one carefully, it has the potential to gradually transform how you engage in meaningful, constructive dialogue about the topics that matter most, with the people who matter most. It’s certainly something I’ll re-read many times over.

This one pairs well with pretty much anything:

Management classics like Kim Scott’s Radical Candor (coming soon), Trillion Dollar Coach, or Liz Wiseman’s Multipliers, which talk about the importance of candid conversations within work relationships.
Thinking in Bets, by Annie Duke, which talks about the importance of engaging in truthseeking with others.
Unlocking Leadership Mindtraps, by Jennifer Garvey Berger, which touches on many of the common themes that get in the way of healthy dialogue.

I hope you enjoy this summary, and I highly recommend you buy the book for its powerful examples. You can easily find it on Amazon or Bookshop.

Evan’s Book Brief (summary of the summary)

A crucial conversation (CC) is one where stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions are running hot. Improving your skill with handling CCs will benefit you significantly in your professional and personal life. High level tools:

Do Your Pre-work: identify constructive motivations (seeking healthy dialogue rather than trying to win); master your own story (unpack the observable facts, and avoid common victim/villain/helpless stories); and commit to talking out your emotions (instead of acting them out in negative ways).
Cultivate Safety: learn to see & hear when someone feels unsafe (to hit the safety reset button); emphasize common ground via mutual purpose and respect.
Nurture Shared Information: speak persuasively with a balance of candor and safety; invite others to contribute when they go silent or aggressive.
Make It Mean Something: maintain emotional resilience (to mine feedback for useful nuggets); acknowledge decisions or follow-ups clearly (they’re different from dialogue).

Bottom line: Learn to look for whether you're in or out of dialogue. Make it safe for others to contribute their meaning to the pool

Chapter 1: What is a Crucial Conversation (and Who Cares?)

A crucial conversation (CC) is characterized by a) high stakes (the outcome may impact you or your relationships); opposing opinions (people disagree); and c) strong emotions (people are amped up). Most chronic problems within relationships, careers, or organizations stem from “crucial conversations people either don’t hold or don’t hold well,” so invest in your ability to handle these well. Some tips:

Reduce the lag time "between when the problem emerges and when those involved find a way to honestly and respectfully resolve it." Shorter lag time indicates healthy, productive relationships.
We avoid CCs due to fear of making the situation worse. However, when we don’t talk things out proactively, we tend to act out our feelings and resentment, which causes further damage. Issues don’t magically resolve on their own.
We handle CCs poorly because a) stress triggers a “fight or flight” response (instead of the “listen and speak” response we need); b) CCs often come out of nowhere, pressuring us to respond on the spot; c) we lack "real-life models of effective communication skills"; and d) we get stuck in self-defeating loops where our silence makes the issue worse.
People who handle CCs well are often seen as opinion leaders within their teams, with outsized influence over the success of projects. This benefits your career.
Silence during crucial moments leads to poor outcomes. The problem is not people taking shortcuts, exhibiting incompetence, or breaking rules, but instead that "those who observe those deviations or infractions say nothing."
The first line of defense for improving organizational productivity and performance is not through implementing new policies, processes, structures, or systems. Instead, it’s in developing the CC skills within your team to hold one another accountable to the process you have today.
In relationships, what matters most is how you argue. Speaking openly, honestly, and effectively is always better than resorting to a) threats and name calling; or b) silent fuming.

Chapter 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations (the Power of Dialogue)

Well-run CCs create healthy dialogue to get "all relevant information (from yourself and others) out into the open." This creates a bigger (metaphorical) pool of shared meaning, which improves outcomes and helps everyone buy into whatever is decided. [Story of how their discovery of Crucial Conversations originated with identifying opinion leaders within companies and observing how they worked. One example, Kevin, was willing to openly hold the CEO accountable when they deviated from their own stated decision process, which got an important topic back on track.] Some tips:

Handling CCs well avoids the fool's choice between a) speak up and ruin a relationship; or b) stay silent and suffer the consequences of watching a poor decision get made.
Internal prompt: "How can I be 100% honest with someone while also being 100% respectful?"
Sharing meaning does not mean making decisions by consensus. (Creating a shared pool of meaning helps no matter how decisions are ultimately made.)
Avoid a) playing games (e.g. giving your loved one the cold shoulder until they treat us better); or b) forcing your meaning into the shared pool (using emotional violence or other methods).
Remember: all of this is learnable. [Hence the rest of this book.]

PART 1: WHAT TO DO BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Chapter 3: Choose Your Topic (How to Be Sure You Hold the Right Conversation)

Poorly handled conversations jump from topic to topic; well-run CCs are focused on one issue at a time. "You can't solve the real problem if you don't choose the right topic." So choose wisely (and/or strategically) what you want to address, and keep the conversation trained on it while keeping flexibility to shift to another issue if needed (while acknowledging the shift). Primary process:

Unbundle the issues using “CPR:” distinguish between a) Content issues (the immediate example or thing that needs to be resolve, ideally the first time); b) Pattern issues (things that can no longer be characterized as a coincidence); c) Relationship issues (those dealing with the trust or respect you have for each other).
Choose the topic you want to address at this particular moment. (Less important issues can be addressed at another time.)
Simplify the language you use to describe the topic. "The more words [you use], the less prepared you are to talk." This is key to both a) being truthful with yourself about what needs to be resolved; and b) staying accountable to discussing it directly and clearly.

Further notes on doing this well:

We often choose the wrong topic because we tend toward a) easy issues over hard issues (which are harder to “win”); and b) recent issues over the right issue (because the latest example feels more concrete than more abstract patterns of behavior).
Red flags (that you’re having the wrong conversation): a) escalating emotions; b) skepticism that anything will actually change; or c) feeling like you've had the conversation before.
Beyond content, pattern, or relationship, you can also discuss process issues, e.g. how you discuss issues with someone. This can be a good way to hit the reset button; [E.g. discussing how you give and receive feedback.] This is valuable for cross-cultural communication.
Watch out for when the discussion topic changes, especially as emotions rise. A common response to a pattern level issue is to isolate it as a content issue and give a rationalization for the most recent occurrence. If this happens, bring it back to the pattern you want to address.
Use clear language to bookmark competing topics for later discussion. "Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without acknowledging you've done it."

Chapter 4: Start With Heart (How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want)

Well-run CCs are those where we keep our own emotions in check to maintain dialogue and stay focused on what matters. "The first thing that degenerates during a Crucial Conversation is not your behavior; it's your motive. And we rarely see it happening." When you do notice yourself slipping away from your goals, asking a potent question like "what do I really want?" may be enough of a mental intervention to get back on track. [Example of an exec pursuing cost cutting who, when questioned about the expensive redesign of her office, resisted the impulse to lash out and instead acknowledged the importance of discussing it openly. Her motive "changed from saving face to solving a problem [of getting everyone on-board with cost saving]."] Some tips:

It is difficult to change longstanding habits of how we communicate. Be compassionate with yourself and trust it is possible to learn to do things differently.
Discerning your own (changing) motives can be difficult in the moment. Examine your behavior: what are you acting like you want?
Example negative motives include: winning an argument, saving face, avoiding embarrassment, being right, or punishing others.
Aim for your long-term motive to trump any short-term ones. Potent question: what kind of person do I want to be?
Hit your reset button by asking three potent questions: what do I really want for ... 1) myself ; 2) the other person; and 3) the relationship?
Engage your brain (and reject the fool's choice) by identifying: a) what you really want; b) what you really don't want; and then c) combining those into an "and" challenge. E.g. "How can we have a candid conversation and strengthen our relationships?"

Script when confronted: “You know what? We need to talk about this. I’m glad you asked the question. Thank you for taking that risk. I appreciate the trust it shows in me.” (Just make sure you follow-through with having an honest conversation, acknowledging any hypocrisy.)
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Chapter 5: Master My Stories (How to Stay in Dialogue When You're Angry, Scared, or Hurt)

Strong emotions left unchecked often lead us to become the worst versions of ourselves. It's critical to remember: a) only you create your own emotions (they are not forced on you or created by others' actions); and b) once you've created your emotions, you can either master them or be held hostage by them. Influencing the stories you tell are the crux of understanding and mastering your emotions. Some tips:

All of this is guided by our Path to Action, where we first a) see and hear something; then we b) tell a story about that (and rationalize what's going on, often with a motive attributed to the other person); then c) feel something as a result of our story; and then d) act on that feeling.
Source: from Grenny, Patterson, et al., Crucial Conversations (3rd Edition). © McGraw Hill, 2022
We are always telling stories about what we experience, and "any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories."
"Mastering our stories isn’t about letting someone off the hook for bad behavior. Instead, it is the first step toward addressing that behavior through dialogue."
Retrace your Path to Action by a) noticing your behavior (be honest); b) labeling your feelings (be specific); c) identifying the story creating the feelings (be curious); and d) examining what you've seen or heard that supports or contradicts the story (be scientific).
Two triggers to examine your behavior and retrace your Path to Action: a) you're not getting something you want (a promotion, etc.); or b) you are feeling strong negative emotions. Examine your own behavior honestly.
Develop a rich vocabulary for describing your feelings. [ES note: and acknowledge you might feel several different or even contradictory emotions in complex situations.]
Be skeptical and/or curious when examining your stories. [ES note: challenge yourself to tell multiple different stories for any given set of facts.]
When examining facts, find the specific, objective, and verifiable observations (where anyone in the room would have the same observation). Separate these from your conclusions which are subjective.
Tip: "hot" words (he scowled at me, he made a sarcastic comment) are indicators of a story lurking behind the observation. Iterate through your facts to remove judgments, and scan around for more facts.

We like to tell clever stories to make ourselves feel better and justify our actions. "We sell out when we consciously act against our own sense of what’s right. And if we don’t admit to our errors, we inevitably look for ways to justify them. That’s when we begin to tell clever stories." These often hold a double-standard, where we tell victim stories to explain our mistakes but villain stories to explain others' mistakes. These lose their power when we seek to tell the rest of the story. Three main types:

Victim Stories: "It's not my fault." Most CCs are not so one-sided. This type of story exaggerates your own innocence and ignores the role you have played in the problem. Taken further, it becomes a martyr story. Antidote: Turn victims into actors by asking, "What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?"
Villain Stories: "It's all your fault." This story "overemphasizes the other person's guilt or stupidity [... and applies] the worst possible motives or grossest incompetence while ignoring any possible good or neutral intentions or skills a person may have." Taken further, we dehumanize the other person with labels. Antidote: Turn villains into humans by asking, "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?" Stop seeking unhealthy motives and think about the effect they have on others.
Helpless Stories: "There's nothing else I can do." This story "looks forward [in time] to explain why we can't do anything to change our situation" by turning the behavior of others into fixed and unchanging traits. Antidote: Turn the helpless into the able by asking, "What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?"

The authors capture it well: "The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out."

PART II: HOW TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Chapter 6: Learn to Look (How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk)

To successfully maintain dialogue, you must learn to simultaneously a) attend to what is being said (the content of the conversation); and b) observe how it is being said (the process). When things escalate, the trick is to not respond in kind, but to hit the safety reset button instead. Three things to watch for:

Signs the conversation has turned crucial, whether physical (body sensation, stomach tightening), emotional (feeling scared, hurt, defensive), or behavioral (raising voice, pointing their finger, becoming quiet).
Signs that people don't feel safe: fight and flight (and freeze) are driven by fear, which stops meaning from flowing honestly and respectfully. This is not the same as discomfort (CCs are rarely comfortable).
Your own "style under stress:" this can be the hardest to learn to spot, but monitoring your own behavior can help you modulate how you respond. (See the "style under stress" survey in the book or on www.crucialconversations.com.)

Bottom line: "If you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything, and people will listen. If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive." This means that the content of your message is never the underlying problem, but rather the condition of the conversation and whether everyone feels safe (though the content can absolutely make someone feel threatened if you’re not thoughtful). More tips:

Watch for three kinds of silence (withholding information): a) masking (selectively showing our true opinions, using sarcasm); b) avoiding (steering away from sensitive subjects); and c) withdrawing (leaving the conversation altogether).
Watch for three kinds of violence (attempting to compel others to your point of view): a) controlling (coercing others to your way of thinking); labeling (dismissing a person or an idea through a general stereotype); attacking (seeking to make the other person suffer).
One strategy is to ask for more information, and look for signs that safety is at risk. E.g. "I don't know how you're hearing my message and I would hate for you to misinterpret it."

Chapter 7: Make It Safe (How to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost Anything)

Offer (or generate) evidence to correct the course whenever someone misunderstands your intent. Whether someone feels safe in a conversation is based on why they think you're saying something (perceived intent), rarely what you're saying (content). Note: if your intent has in fact turned negative, then return to Start with Heart (chapter 4). Some tips:

Our unconscious facial expressions or other behaviors often contribute to misunderstood intent. It’s hard (and worthwhile) to develop awareness of your tendencies here.
When safety is at risk, those who are: a) bad at dialogue devolve into attacks; b) good at dialogue see safety is at risk, but then side-step or dilute the issue (and fail to address the real problem); c) great at dialogue play no games, instead use the powerful yet simple skill of "stepping out of the content of the conversation, making it safe, and then stepping back in."
Good intent has two dimensions: a) mutual purpose (care for their concerns, important for entering dialogue); and b) mutual respect (care for them, important for continuing dialogue).
For a mutual purpose to be truly mutual it must be motivating for both sides.
With mutual respect: "Respect is like air. As long as it's present, nobody thinks about it. But if you take it away, it's all that people can think about."
Whenever you’re struggling to respect someone, seek out ways in which you are similar, or at least seek to respect their basic humanity.
For written CCs, write it twice: first for the content, then a second time with safety in mind, paying attention to how the reader may misunderstand your intentions or your respect.

Strategies for (re)building safety in a conversation: a) share your good intent (communicate it directly); b) apologize when appropriate (a sincere apology is paired with a change in motivation); c) contrast to fix misunderstandings (share what you do and don't intend for the conversation; the latter is often more important). You can also invent a mutual purpose together, taking care to distinguish your shared purpose from any strategies or ideas you may have for fulfilling that purpose.

Chapter 8: State My Path (How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively)

Design your message with a balance of candor and safety. This requires: a) confidence (to say what needs to be said to someone who needs to hear it); b) humility (to create space for others to have valuable input); and c) skill (to avoid the fool's choice and deliver the message effectively). Failure to do this either risks defensiveness or resistance getting in the way of your message, or diluting your message too much out of fear of hurting others. The five skills involved form the acronym STATE (STA describe what to do, TE describe how to do it):

Share your facts. Start with the facts to create a less controversial foundation for the conversation. Retrace your path to action, and do the work to "sort out facts from conclusions." Remember: you don't have all the facts.
Tell your story. Make it clear you are only seeing one of the several possible stories given the known facts. Highlight areas of uncertainty in your story, and stay alert for loss of safety.
Ask for others' paths. Create space for them to contribute their own facts & story to the shared pool of meaning. Ask questions: "How do you see it?" or "Can you help me understand?"
Talk tentatively. Acknowledge your story is a story, and not hard fact. Be honest about your level of conviction, not manipulative. Avoid being wimpy - don't lead with extreme disclaimers. Find the "just right" zone between understated and overstated conviction with phrases like “In my opinion… ” or “I believe…” or “I am certain…”
Encourage testing. Make it clear you want to hear their point of view, "no matter how controversial their ideas might be." Invite opposing views, and make sure you're actually open to receiving them. If needed, play devil's advocate with your own view to elicit their actual perspective. Remember: "The real test of whether your motive is to win a debate or engage in real dialogue is the degree to which you encourage testing."

Red Flag: When we feel right about something, we act as if we own the pool of meaning and there is no need to add to the pool of meaning. Just remember: "the harder it is for you to use [STATE skills], the more likely your goal is to win rather than learn."

Key quote: “‘Talk tentatively’ is not about softening the message; it’s about strengthening it. Remember, your goal is to add meaning to the pool. And it won’t make it into the pool unless the other person consents to it. If you attempt to disguise your conclusions as facts, the other person is likely to resist rather than consider them. Then nothing gets into the pool.”

[Excerpt of an excellent example dialogue of a parent confronting their child about missing money. After sharing facts, these were the linchpin statements which created safety. Quoted from the book.]

Parent: (Tentatively tells story.) Obviously one possibility is that you took the money.
Child: You think I stole your money?
Parent: (Asks for other’s path.) Honestly? I don’t know what to think. All I know is what I just shared, and I hope you can see how I might at least have the question. Did you?
Child: Um . . . well . . .
Parent: (Contrasting.) I know you’re a good kid, and I don’t want to jump to hurtful conclusions. I also know people make mistakes. I did when I was your age. I want us to be able to talk about things, even hard things, honestly and openly, even when one of us has messed up.

Chapter 9: Explore Others' Paths (How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up)

Develop your skills for bringing people into dialogue when they become silent or aggressive. It will ensure you can work through differences and grow the shared pool of meaning. Some tips:

Be sincere with your curiosity; if you ask someone how they are feeling, pay attention to the actual (non-verbal) signs of how they are feeling.
Stay curious to avoid overreacting. Be patient as it often takes time for emotional residue to fade away. (Don’t expect someone to adjust immediately to the safety you create.)
When someone states their path, remember "every sentence has a history" of facts and experiences behind it. If they start with their story, help them uncover the objective facts behind their story.
To resolve disagreement: a) focus first on where you agree (violent agreement is common, where you rage about subtle differences); b) build on areas of agreement (make sure key pieces are not left out); and c) compare and explore how your paths differ.
Set upfront expectations: make it clear you're willing to explore and understand their point of view, but ask if they're willing to hear yours in return. Most will feel a sense of reciprocity if you first take the time to listen to them.

For a powerful and effective set of listening tools, follow the acronym AMPP:

Ask - invite them to share their perspective. Many people will respond to genuine interest. "I'd really like to hear your opinion on this," or "Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts."
Mirror - confirm their feelings by reflecting them back. This strengthens safety by reinforcing our genuine interest and concern, and is especially important when there are inconsistencies between what they say and how they say it. "You say you're OK, but the tone of your voice sounds upset," or "You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure you're willing?"
Paraphrase - stay calm and acknowledge what they're contributing to the shared pool of meaning. "Let's see if I've got this right. [Summarize what you've heard.]"
Prime - prime the conversation by "offing your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling." This is most useful if the first three tools aren’t working. "Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building safety in hopes that others will share."

Chapter 10: Retake Your Pen (How to Be Resilient When Hearing Tough Feedback)

Hold on to your own power to define your worth (the metaphorical “pen”), otherwise you risk becoming fundamentally insecure, with others in control of your emotional well-being (because you fear their disapproval). Maintaining your foundation of personal resilience is all the more important during CCs when inviting others to share their story. Some tips:

Embrace that a) “Learning truth is an absolute good. The more truth you know, the better you can navigate life;” and b) feedback you get from others will be some mixture of pure truth and pure falsehood. It’s up to you to sort through it.
Learn to recognize when you’ve been "feedsmacked" (e.g. when someone says something that "rocks your psychological footing").
Remember Cornelius Lindey: "If you live by the compliment, you'll die by the criticism."
[Story of The Other Side Academy, a group of former felons who overcome a lifetime of self-destruction through raw feedback sessions which they call “Games.” They believe "relentless exposure to truth is the best path to empathy, growth, and happiness."]
Learn to "crave truth and fear approval." Treat approval as information, not affirmation.
"You don't get angry when you're confident. You get angry when you're scared." In difficult moments, remember that a) your safety is not at risk; and b) neither is your worth at risk.

For a powerful set of tools to benefit from feedback, remember the acronym CURE:

Collect yourself. Take a breath, remember you're safe, and learn to label your own feelings.
Understand. Approach the feedback with curiosity (which dampens your defensiveness). Ask: "why would a reasonable, rational, decent person say what he or she is saying?" Strategy: act like a reporter gathering facts about the story.
Recover: Ask for time and space to sort through the feedback to identify what you want to keep. In the moment, you can say, "It is important to me that I get this right. I need some time.”
Engage: Do your work with the feedback, and (if appropriate) follow-up with the person who shared it and "acknowledge what you heard, what you accept, and what you commit to do."

PART III: HOW TO FINISH

Chapter 11: Move To Action (How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results)

Wrap up CCs with a clear decision or follow-up actions, otherwise whatever progress you made may be lost and people may be left unable to figure out what to do with the information they’ve received. (Make sure people know how decisions will be made.) Some tips:

Good dialogue focuses on sharing meaning. Engaging in dialogue may imply openness for a particular decision, but not full acceptance.
Ensure a decision has full acceptance by making it clear a) how decisions will be made (particularly important to discuss upfront when lines of authority are unclear); b) when you think a decision has been reached; and c) what decision that was.
Four methods of decision making: a) command (autonomous decisions are common for most situations); b) consult (a command decision made with others providing valued input); c) vote (useful for situations requiring efficiency where all options are decent); and d) consensus (good when you need everyone fully bought in, but takes time).
Watch out for times where you expect to make a consult decision while others expect to participate in a consensus decision.
Only involve the fewest possible people who: a) care about the decision; b) can contribute valuable information or expertise; c) may be involved in following-through on the decision.
Useful strategy: seek a consensus decision within a scheduled meeting, yet default to a consult decision if the team can't agree.

Beyond making a clear decision, articulate the specific commitments people will make to follow-up. Use the acronym WWWF: Who does What by When and how will you Follow up? Some tips:

Set a specific who. Assignments phrased with "we" usually mean "not me."
Set a specific what. Precise expectations create appropriate constraints. Use contrasting to clarify what you don't want; people likely won’t meet unstated desires.
Set a specific when. "Assignments without deadlines are far better at producing guilt than stimulating action. Goals without deadlines aren't goals; they're merely directions."
Set a specific plan to follow-up. E.g. "Call me on my cell phone when you finish your homework. Then you can go play with friends, OK?"
For personal conversations, keep it simple: a) summarize for understanding; b) identify an action you can take; c) create a plan to follow-up.
Write it down to review assignments later and hold everyone accountable for their promises.

Chapter 12: Yeah, But (Advice for Tough Cases)

There are a number of situations where the CC approach may feel less relevant, but it still works. Understand the underlying principles and practice putting them into motion. Some examples:

Sexual or other harassment: often (but not always) this will go away after a firm conversation. Establish mutual purpose: "I'd like to talk about something that's getting in the way of my working with you. It's a tough issue to bring up, but I think it'll help us be better teammates if I do. Is that OK?" Then STATE your path.
Overly sensitive spouse (where problems need to become huge before discussed): Use contrasting: "I'm not trying to blow this out of proportion. I just want to deal with it before it gets out of hand." Then STATE your path. Encourage testing: "Do you see it differently?"
Failed trust: Make sure you’re not setting the bar too high. Also, "deal with trust around the issue, not around the person."
People who show no initiative: Make concrete agreements which place clear responsibility on them. Talk through your expectations (and set new and higher expectations) instead of acting out your expectations of failure.
More examples: cruciallearning.com/blog

Chapter 13: Putting It All Together (Tools for Preparing and Learning)

Successful crucial conversations boil down to two key principles:

Learn to look for whether you're in or out of dialogue, and whether participants (you included) are falling into silence or violence. Simple intervention: "I think we've moved away from dialogue."
Make it safe for others to contribute their meaning to the pool. "If you simply realize that your challenge is to make it safer, 9 out of 10 times you'll intuitively do something that helps."

[The authors then offer their own very useful cheat sheet of all of the key principles, skills, and crucial questions of their approach, and they offer a full sample dialogue which puts it all into seamless context.]

Evan’s Notes

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